Healing Depression: A Few Things That I Have Learned

I feel uniquely qualified to discuss this issue because I am one who has suffered for years with depression. At first, I thought that I could snap myself out of it or just convince myself that things aren't as I perceived them to be. Then weeks, months, and years went by and I never felt quite right. I would go to work most days feeling exhausted and come home and sit around with no energy to even do anything. My sadness was exhausting me to the point that I couldn't see living another 40 years like this. I told myself that it would only get worse! I would get old, my parents would die, I would lose even more money, and I would be even more depressed. The thought of that just made me think of ending it—it got pretty bad. I even thought of ways to do it so that it would look like an accident so that my family could still get the insurance money. Why was I like this? How did it get this bad?

I think my depression was mostly situational. I understand that there are folks who have an imbalance of chemicals in their brain that just will not allow them to be happy. This advice is for the other folks who find themselves in a situation of complete despair and see no way out of their darkness. I was wanting to provide such a wonderful life for my family. My heart's desire was to see them happy and fulfill their every need. I bought into the “American Dream” idea and thought that if I worked hard enough and did everything right I would be as successful as some of my older friends who had nice homes, cars, and security. They seemed happy enough as well. I worked hard to become a jeweler—it didn't work out to my expectations and my eyes started failing me. I worked hard to become an educator—I worked for a tyrant and narcissist who forced me to give up on teaching, or at least pushed me over the edge when I experienced the disillusionment that most teachers experience when they have been teaching a while. I worked for an alternative school and was crushed by the stress and the feeling that I wasn't doing enough to support my family or enough to impact the troubled students that I was trying to serve. I found myself lost, financially struggling, and in a career crisis as well as a mid-life crisis. On top of that I was dealing with several health related issues that limited my activity. I was desperate for relief! 

I started looking for a solution to my sadness and sought the conventional avenues. I went to my doctor who prescribed anti-depression drugs. I took the drugs and felt better but didn't like the side effects. I went to counselors and felt like they were just overwhelmed with their workload and uninterested in solving my problems. I was watching my family getting upset with me because I wouldn't “snap out of it.”

I know that many reading this can relate to this feeling. Despair, hopelessness, loneliness, anxiety, fatigue, self-doubt, self-destructive thoughts and behavior, were all so familiar that I had forgotten what joy and feeling happy was like. On top of all of it all, I felt like I was letting God down and that my faith was so small that I couldn't see the point in praying or even seeking God anymore. When I did pray it was just a moaning call out to God to take me. Sorrow was like a plastic bag that was slowly removing the oxygen. I began to think about prayer a lot. I started thinking about what prayer is and what it isn't. First, what is prayer? I was always afraid to pray in front of people because so many people whom I knew were so good at it. They could beautifully convey their thoughts out loud to God and it was impressive how they could speak for everyone in such an eloquent manner. It seemed like the times that I would pray were clumsy and disjointed ramblings. It wasn't until I opened a real dialogue with God that I learned that prayer not so much about communication with those who I am praying with but it is all about Who I am praying to! I came across a quote from the author Ted Loder:

"How shall I pray? Are tears prayers, Lord? Are screams prayers, or groans or sighs or curses? Will you accept my prayers, Lord, my real prayers, rooted in the muck and mud and rock of my life, and not just the pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arranged bouquet of words? Will you accept me, Lord, as I really am, messed up mixture of glory and grime?"

This is truly how I feel about prayer. It can take on many forms. A song sung, enjoying nature and creation, a cry of sadness, a praise when you look into the face of your newborn baby or your wife at the alter on your wedding day. Prayer is built into our DNA and recognizing this fact changed the way that I looked at prayer and its purpose. I started being thankful for what I have and cherishing each moment--that seemed to help adjust my attitude and outlook. I think being outdoors more definitely helps me to cope with stress. I have found that being in nature and away from the hustle and noise is great place to meditate and refocus. My way to do that is getting out on the water among other things : )